Smoothie Greens – Because Apparently You Can’t Survive on Coffee Alone (We Tried)

Tired of pretending that pizza counts as a vegetable? Enter Smoothie Greens—the ultimate please-don’t-let-me-die-young powder. Packed with more grasses, herbs, fruits, veggies, and mystical-sounding extracts than you can shake a kale stalk at, this blend basically turns your sad apple juice into a nutritional mic drop.

What’s Inside (AKA Nature’s Kitchen Sink):

🥬 Great Grains Blend: Brown Rice Bran, Flax, Barley Malt—because your gut deserves more than leftover drive-thru fries.
🌿 Herbal Overachievers: Alfalfa, Parsley, Bee Pollen, Ginseng, Aloe, Astragalus, Bilberry, Ginger, Gingko, Green Tea, Licorice, Milk Thistle, Peppermint, Royal Jelly, Schisandra, and Stevia. (Basically, if it sounds like something a medieval healer would prescribe, it’s in here.)
🌊 Sea Vegetables: Spirulina, Chlorella, and Sea Whistle—because nothing says “health” like powdered pond scum that somehow costs more than steak.
🍏 Fruit Squad: Apple Pectin, Pineapple, Grape Skin, Acerola Juice. Sweet enough to trick your brain into thinking this isn’t powdered lawn clippings.
🌾 Green Grass Roll Call: Barley, Kamut, Oat, Rye, Wheat—so much grass, you’ll feel like a cow chewing cud, but in a chic, Whole Foods kind of way.
🥦 Veggie Backup Dancers: Beet, Broccoli, Rhubarb, Spinach—because someone had to make up for your lifelong French fry habit.

Flavor:

“Herbs, vegetable, and fruit mix.” Translation: It tastes exactly like health—slightly grassy, slightly earthy, and surprisingly not awful if you mix it with apple juice.

Why Smoothie Greens?

• Nutrient Flex: Broad-spectrum vitamins, adaptogens, and enzymes that make your multivitamin look lazy.

• Fake Superhero Status: Drink this and suddenly you’re “the healthy friend,” even if you still DoorDash cheeseburgers at midnight.

• Convenience: Two teaspoons, 8 oz of juice, and BOOM—you’re basically farming in a glass.

The Food and Drug Administration has not evaluated these statements. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.